Excerpt from NOT JUST ANOTHER
CHRISTMAS CAROL
SYNOPSIS
A tyrant of an artistic director returns from abroad the night of the show and insists on playing the title role in the Dickens classic. Scenes fall apart and dialogue is darkened by the bubbling resentment the company members have for their own modern “Scrooge.” The battle of witty, caustic remarks rages on. Will the artistic director have his way, or will this bedraggled company gather together to teach him a needed lesson?
CAST
(4M, 9F)
- ALBERT FISCH: Gravedigger, Marley, Sulitzer — man (40s)
- CARROLL MOORE: Belle, Corinda, Dorrie, Millicent — man (30s)
- CLANCY HOODWIN: Scrooge — man (40s)
- CONSTANCE GARDNER: Roberta Cratchit — woman (20s)
- GRETCHEN CRUTHERS: Bold Sally, Fan, Bess, Tina Tim — woman (20s)
- MYRA TINSLEY: Shelbe, Spirit of Christmases to Come — woman (20s)
- PAMELLA FINN: Isa, Spirit of Christmas Present — woman (20s)
- PETER DUNNE: Cratchit, Wilkins, Father, Fred, Smiley — man (20s)
- PHILLIS KEMP: Narrator — woman (40s)
- ROSALYND WEINER: Belinda, Fezziwig, Kwerker, Lizbeth, Yvette — woman (40s)
- TILDA. PRICE: Melinda, Polly — girl (10)
- VONNY TRACE: Wesh, Spirit of Christmas Past — woman (20s)
- WINNIFRED ABRAMS (or “WINZIT”): Stage Manager — woman (30s)
TIME
1850 / The present
PLACE
London / The stage.
STYLE
Comedic drama.
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Next!
FISCH [Sulitzer]
Have I the pleasure of speaking to a Mr. Scrooge or to a Mr. Marley?
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Mr. Marley is DEAD.
FISCH [Sulitzer]
Oh. I’m sorry.
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
We have a lovely Marley DOLL.
(A beat.)
But I’m sure its more than you could afford.
FISCH [Sulitzer]
No. No. / You don’t understand.
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Yes! Yes! Its five billion shillings, and that’s marked down. Now get out before I throw you out.
FISCH [Sulitzer]
(Checking a book.)
Forgive me sir, but are..
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Never. Ever.
FISCH [Sulitzer]
Right..but are you one Ebenezar Scrooge?
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
I’m one Ebenezar Scrooge. There’s another in the back, but he’s very tired. I’m joking.
FISCH [Sulitzer]
Yes sir, Well sir..at this festive time of year..
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
This is one of those memorized speeches, isn’t it?
FISCH [Sulitzer]
Barely, but..yes.
TILDA [Polly]
I’ve got a Nintendo.
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Just another form of pan-handling, eh? Suits you well, doesn’t it, Albert?
TILDA [Polly]
Do you know how to play “Hearts”.
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
What?
TILDA [Polly]
Do you know how to play “Hearts”. Its a card game.
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
No. Would you mind? I’m busy here.
(To FISCH.)
Go ahead Jacob..Fisch..whoever you are.
TILDA [Polly]
You don’t look busy.
FISCH [Sulitzer]
At this festive time of year, it is more than usually..more than usually something..what?..desirable..more than usually desirable that we..that we..umm, oh yes..make some provision for the poor and the destitute who suffer greatly at the present moment.
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
We? Whose we?
FISCH [Sulitzer]
How do I know? Those of us who umm..who aren’t.
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Aren’t what?
FISCH [Sulitzer]
Suffering.
(FISCH is struggling to remember this bit.)
What else? God, I knew this. Oh yes. Many thousands are in want of common necessaries. Hundreds of thousands are in want of common..things.
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Things? “Comforts”, man. “Common comforts”.
FISCH [Sulitzer]
Right. So, we’re out to raise a fund to buy the poor some meat and drink and means of warmth.
(TILDA begins to play with things on HOODWIN’s desk through the following monologue. He is taking them away from her as fast as she picks up another.)
What shall I put you down for?
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Nothing.
FISCH [Sulitzer]
You wish to remain anonymous?
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
No. I wish to be left alone. Do you know what two percent growth means?
FISCH [Sulitzer]
It means..
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Everyone delights in two percent growth. Oh wonderful. We’re back on a steady two percent growth. It means that in a very few years there will be twice the number of human beings roaming this earth than there are presently. Twice. That’s why all of these diseases are back..try and balance things out a bit before we lose our walking space. And you want ME to stop what I’m doing and try and reverse nature’s natural attempt to balance the population?
(To TILDA.)
Would you please stop that?
TILDA [Polly]
I’m not a BRAT.
FISCH [Sulitzer]
You’ve taken an extraordinarily hard view.
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Any other would be romantic..sentimental..and that, my good man, I am not. You don’t get it, do you? I’m not interested..and no amount of footage of emaciated bodies is going to change my mind.
FISCH [Sulitzer]
Have you no compassion? No feelings for their pain?
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Hope is a thing that miserable people invented so as to pretend they won’t always be miserable.
TILDA [Polly]
You called me a BRAT earlier. I heard you.
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Did I?
TILDA [Polly]
Just give him some money.
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Why should I give him anything? He’s beyond hope. He lost it long ago.
FISCH [Sulitzer]
What he says is true.
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
An oriental girl squashed it..her and her rigid philosophy. What is it now?..ten years ago?
FISCH [Sulitzer]
That’s enough, Clay.
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Malaysian, wasn’t she? Those mysterious eyes.
FISCH [Sulitzer]
(FISCH grabs HOODWIN by the shirt collars, draws him close, threatening.)
I..said..that’s..enough!
HOODWIN [Scrooge]
Let go of me.
Contact rajnoosh[at]gmail[dot]com for the full script.